Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Dont watch your money*
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
A Blonde and her shoes.
A blonde walks into a shoe shop and asks the assistant how much the crocidile shoes were, the woman told her $50. The blonde was shcoked at this and said i could make my own for less the assistant told her go and do that then. The shop assistant was driving home that night by one of many aussi rivers and found the blonde wrestling with a crocidile and 6 lined up on the banking. The shop assistant stops and says you have enought croidiles to make 50 pairs of shoes with. The blonde replies i thought that to but none of them have shoes on
Hooker*
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Late*
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
S.O.S*
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Confession*
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
Billy and the kids
A family of four are going to Disneyland Florida just as they are going out the door the phone rings.
The woman answers.
'Hello'
'Jane the restraunt is mobbed get down here now'
'I cant im going on holiday right now im going out hte door!'
'You either come now or your sacked!'
'Okay i will be down in 20 minutes!'
The woman hangs up the phone and tells her husband and her children what happend.
She tells them they are still going but not with her only their dad.
They leave for Disneyland and the mother goes to work.
8 hours later...
The woman comes and flops on to the chair. She has an idea! shes going to phone a stripper.
'Hello?'
'Hi stripers r us'
'yes i would like a policemen striper please'
'i just need your details now'
The woman gives the receptionist her details and is told the stripper will be there in 30 minutes.
30 minutes go by and the stripper isnt there. 1 hour later there is a knock at the door.
Its a policemen she welcomes him. Come in come in.
''I want you to sing it to me.''
''I dont know if i can do that''
''Just do it im paying you for this''
''Okay if your paying me... BILLY AND YOUR KIDS ARE DEAD!''